Surrogates

I hope to be a surrogate, but I’m not sure where to start, or even if it’s for me.

This page has the following information:

  • Research & Resources

  • Whether you are ready

  • Meeting Intended Parents

  • Pregnancy & Birth

  • Fourth Trimester

Research

Start with simply learning about surrogacy in Australia, take your time and do your research. A surrogacy arrangement, even when good, is hard!

Often potential Surrogates join the community focused on meeting intended parents and getting pregnant! They will often talk about ‘giving the gift of life’ but surrogacy is so much more than simply bringing a baby into the world and the enormity of the arrangement shouldn’t be underestimated.

Check out the Resources page for links to podcasts in which Surrogates and Intended Parents have been interviewed.

It is worth joining the Australian Surrogates Support page which is a group for Surrogates only and taking advice and learning from surrogates who are more experienced.

The following is a good resource written by Sarah Jefford sharing her experience and knowledge of what should be considered - So you want to be a surrogate.

Match Ready!

Before you consider building your team, its worth considering whether you are ready in terms of your health and your own family. Bear in mind that many Intended Parents have had flippant offers of help which are later withdrawn which, of course, can be devastating.

The general advice is that if you are fit and healthy enough to carry a pregnancy yourself, you will likely be suitable to carry a pregnancy as a surrogate. Many surrogates ask about whether a high BMI or taking medications will impact them carrying a surrogate pregnancy - if you have concerns and/or its been some years since your own pregnancy consider discussing a possible pregnancy with your general practitioner and/or a basic health check and/or an independent review with an obstetrician.

Another concern for potential surrogates is their age. There was a poll taken in the surrogate only support group a few years ago and the median age of surrogates was 39 years. Many surrogates have completed their own family and are older by the time they decide to undertake a surrogate pregnancy. There are even, the utterly amazing, grandmothers who carry their grandchildren!

Some potential surrogates worry they will not be ‘approved’ as a Surrogate due to mental health conditions. Again, generally, there is no reason to expect you will not be able to be a Surrogate as long as you have appropriate supports in place.

Bear in mind, in some States a Surrogate must have had her own children prior to undertaking a surrogacy arrangement.

Family

Give consideration to whether your family is ready. A surrogacy arrangement will inevitably impact your family. It is worth considering how your partner feels (if you have one) as they will be an integral part of the team. Are your children of an age in which the commitment of a surrogate pregnancy will impact the time you spend with them? Many surrogates talk about feeling guilty they cannot give enough to their own family because of the surrogate pregnancy. Some surrogates choose to have a session with an experienced surrogacy counsellor even before embarking on a surrogacy arrangement but, probably the best thing you can do is, talk to other surrogates who have already been through a surrogacy arrangement - lived experience from another surrogate is invalable.

Building your Team

Whether you know your intended parents prior to embarking on a surrogacy arrangement or you hope to connect with intended parents through the online community, the surrogacy friendship is unique. It takes commitment, honestly, vulnerability, consideration and exceptional communication.

If you already know your Intended Parents - it is worth practising being vulnerable and honest prior to taking on a pregnancy. Have the tough conversations and ensure you feel confident to be able to say what you want, supports you might need or concerns you have and extremely important conversations.

If you are hoping to connect with Intended Parents through the Australian Surrogacy Community, consider what you want from the friendship such as how much communication, what the long term looks like, whether you could be friends without surrogacy. Answers to these questions may dictate whether you seek out intended parents in your own State or whether you are happy to consider an interstate arrangement and the type of people you hope to connect with.

Knowing what you hope or need from the surrogacy arrangement will ensure that you can be clear with people you look to build a friendship with. It’s also likely that if you know what you want, it will make it easier to meet Intended Parents whose hopes for the arrangement align with your own.

Check out the Resources page and list of Discussion Topics.

Often hopeful surrogates will simply read and introduction of an Intended Parent and contact them; it is beneficial to sit back and get to know Intended Parents from afar, see how they interact, how active they are, how they support others, what their interests are etc. Remember that many Intended Parents have been planning their family for a long time, they may have been through significant trauma already and/or received many flippant offers - in receiving a message from a potential surrogate it is inevitable their hopes will be raised if you reach out to them, and it can be crushing if nothing comes of the contact.

Many hopeful Surrogates are eager to offer and get to the pregnancy but taking your time and preparing well and ensuring the friendship is strong will give the arrangement the best chance at being a good experience for all.

Pregnancy & Birth

It can be difficult to know what you want or how you will feel before you are pregnant. Be open to change! Many surrogates have firm ideas about what they want prior to a pregnancy and those ideas change (sometimes drastically) once pregnant! That’s okay. The important thing is that you have developed and worked on a friendship with your Intended Parents in which you feel confident discussing how you are feeling.

This is your body and your pregnancy but, of course, surrogates usually want to share the pregnancy with their Intended Parents. Many Surrogates want to share hospital appointments and scans and want their Intended Parents at the birth. It is up to you and your team what you want - what works for one team, will not work for another. The most important thing is to keep the communication open, be honest and ensure you are all on the same page.

Fourth Trimester

The Fourth Trimester …. two words that send fear coursing through many surrogates! The unknown of how you will feel after a surrogate pregnancy and what you will need is scary.

Surrogates put a lot of time and effort into planning a surrogacy arrangement, they spend a lot of time with their Intended Parents building and strengthening the friendship, there’s the preparation of counselling and legal requirements and then a pregnancy and birth and then its over. The Intended Parents are busy with their newborn and the Surrogate can feel a bit left behind or forgotten.

Some also have a difficult time after birth making sense of the feeling of loss. Of course, that doesn’t mean you want to keep the baby, but you still feel sad that you don’t have a baby - many describe this as confusion between the head and body i.e. the head knows you don’t want the baby, but the body has just birthed and craves the baby.

For some surrogates, this can be a difficult time and for others, it’s an ecstatically happy time.

It is important to plan for the Fourth Trimester and discuss possible plans with your Intended Parents. This is particularly important if your Intended Parents are Interstate to you.

Planning for yourself a new goal or project following the pregnancy can be a welcomed focus.

Check out Sarah’s blog on the Fourth Trimester.