Intended Parents
I want to start or add to my family and I’m interested in surrogacy but I don’t know where to start…
The following information follows:
Eligibility
How to find a Surrogate (family & friends)
The online Surrogacy Community
Local Groups & Catch Ups
Why do Surrogates seek out Intended Parents
What do you want from the Surrogacy Arrangement
Costs
Are you Eligible?
In Australia, you must be ‘eligible’ to pursue surrogacy. That is, you must have a social or medical need in order to pursue surrogacy. Generally, you must satisfy the following criteria (bearing in mind the laws differ from State to State):
unlikely to become pregnant, or to be able to carry a pregnancy or give birth (whether because of medical reasons or otherwise); or
there is a risk that a serious genetic defect, serious disease or serious illness would be transmitted to a child born to an intended parent; or
there is a risk that becoming pregnant or giving birth to a child would result in physical harm to an intended parent (being harm of a kind, or of a severity, unlikely to be suffered by women who become pregnant or give birth generally); or
it appears to be unlikely in all of the circumstances of the intended parent or parents that an intended parent would become pregnant or be able to carry a pregnancy or give birth (whether because of gender identity, sexuality or any other reason).
Generally, a fertility specialist or medical practitioner will need to recommend / support the pursuit of a surrogacy arrangement.
Depending on the State laws of the State in which you live, you may need to produce a letter of eligibility to attach to your Legal Agreement which is provided by your Fertility Specialist or other relevant specialist.
Check out this helpful article by Sarah Jefford: Do I qualify for surrogacy in Australia
STEP 1 - We are ‘Eligible’ but how do we find a Surrogate?
In Australia there are far more intended parents than there are people willing to carry a child as a surrogate. The starting point for all should be to let your own circle of people know you hope to have a child through surrogacy - that is, tell everyone, your friends, your friends of friends, your friends of friends of friends, your family, work colleagues and, basically, anyone who will listen! It is not appropriate to directly ask a person to carry a child for you but telling your circle that you hope to have a child through surrogacy and that you are happy to provide information if anyone is interested in hearing more is a nice way to approach the conversation.
Rebecca from the Australian Surrogacy Community wrote some very helpful information to provide guidance:
It is often said that when looking for a surrogate, that one should start by putting feelers out among family and friends, or by doing a little networking in your wider social circle. There may just be a cousin, someone you went to school with, or a friend of a friend whose interest you’ll pique… One “low pressure” way of doing this is by composing a family update which can then be shared. It’s also a great opportunity to inform people of your intentions to pursue surrogacy and fill them in on the basics, as well as strengthen your support network...
Below is a guide as to how you can structure your update. It’s by no means the be all and end all but can be used as a starting point.
Composing your family update
You can open your update by summarising what you and your partner, or family, have been up to in recent times including work, holidays, special events etc.
You can then move on to sharing where you’re up to in starting or extending your family. You can share as much or as little as you feel comfortable but given that you’re about to bring up surrogacy/egg donation, the need for taking that step should be obvious (if you’re not gay). “Our fertility specialist has suggested we seek…” or “ carrying a baby will endanger my life as well as theirs” makes it pretty clear. You can then go on to inform everybody that you have begun investigating surrogacy/egg donation.
Anticipate what questions or comments could arise from telling people that you intend on pursuing surrogacy/egg donation. You may like to include the legalities of altruistic and commercial surrogacy in Australia including the inability to advertise, the difference between traditional and gestational surrogacy, whether you have already created embryos and whose gametes you’ve used, the fact that there is no set criteria for potential surrogates except for a broad age range, and your desired level of involvement in your surrogate’s life/family, the pregnancy, and afterwards.
Next, outline what you’d like to achieve from having shared your update. Support? Help in educating others? Spreading the word in hope that you’ll connect with somebody who can help? Where can people go if they show any interest or if somebody they know asks for further information?
Is there anything else you’d like to share about your family dream?
End on a positive note.
Points to Consider:
- Try to make your update predominantly positive. That doesn’t mean glossing over any trauma you’ve experienced but acknowledging it and keep your update moving.
- Do not directly ask anybody to be your surrogate/donor. Your update puts the ball in the court of anybody who may be interested in helping you – let them approach you in their own time.
- Use your update as an opportunity to educate and inform. This is your chance to garner support as well as share the facts. Many of your update recipients won’t even be aware of the basics of surrogacy.
- If you follow this guide as gospel, it could be very easy to end up with an update which is formulaic and lacking personality or feeling. Make it your own.
- Have somebody proofread your update. It certainly doesn’t have to be university standard, but it’s always good to have someone spot any obvious mistakes and ensure it makes sense.
- How do you plan on sending out your update? Who are you sharing it with? Does it cross the “advertising” line?
Hoping this is of some help to people wondering how to put it out there. It can be a daunting prospect, but you just never know what may happen as a result. Worst case scenario it’ll reinforce the love and support of your nearest and dearest.
Best of luck to you all! Here’s hoping your family update is the start of an exciting chapter in your family’s life…
STEP 2 - We’ve explored my own circle but there is no one. What next?
There is a thriving online Surrogacy Community where intended parents, parents through surrogacy, hopeful surrogates and past surrogates comes together to share experience, support each other and look to form connections. It is possible to connect with a hopeful surrogate in the online community. See the Resources page for links to the online surrogacy community.
There are more intended parents than there are surrogates so this is a path that can be long and requires patience, time, effort, bravery, authenticity, vulnerability, honesty and kindness.
Surrogacy in Australia is altruistic, and surrogates are not paid to carry a child for another person / couple. Surrogates seek out people to carry for, for a variety of reasons but the ultimate goal is to help their intended parents have a child. Surrogates are very much driven by the friendship, and most look forward to a continuing friendship long after a baby is born and being a part of the surrogate baby’s life. Many intended parents and surrogates view each other as an extension of their own family!
The Australian Surrogacy Community is a private Facebook Group, its a National group made up of approximately 2,000 members. This group can be a great starting point for connecting with a surrogate. It is also recommended that you join your local State based group.
Once you are accepted into the groups, introduce yourself, if you are not sure what to say, check out others’ introductions. Generally, tell the group who you are and why you are pursuing surrogacy, including some photos of you, your pets, and your life is a nice way to give the group some insight into you! Then, be active in the group - that is, welcome new members, interact with other members, start a ‘getting to know you’ thread, give insight into your life. You want to be a presence in the group so others can find common ground with you and get to know you too (including hopeful surrogates).
Try not to focus on meeting a surrogate - simply look to form friendships and get to know others.
It is never appropriate to message surrogates (particularly surrogates you don’t know) and ask for them to carry for you. It is offensive and indicates a lack of respect for altruistic surrogacy. Generally, it is up to a Surrogate to initiate contact which is the reason for the advice to be active. If you are active in the community, a surrogate will have opportunity to find you!
STEP 3 - Local State Groups and In Person Catch Ups
Most local State groups arrange face to face catch ups which is a great way to get to know others from the community who are local to you. Its also an opportunity to share information about local providers and hear others’ experiences. See the Resources page for links to the State based groups.
Why would a ‘Stranger’ carry for me?
Surrogates want to carry a child for others for a multitude of reasons. The question was posed in the surrogate group as to why they wanted to be a surrogate, here are some of the answers provided:
Consider what you want from Surrogacy?
Of course you want a baby! But, what else? Consider your future team - do you envisage a close friendship which is local to you, would you consider an interstate friendship (i.e. you live in a different State to your surrogate), what type of support can you provide to your Surrogate and their family. There are many considerations and you should give some thought as to what is important to you and how you will navigate a ‘team pregnancy’. Check out the list of discussion topics.
Costs
As the intended parents, you will be responsible for all costs associated with the Surrogacy arrangement. This includes but is not limited to, all IVF costs associated with creation of embryos (whether using your own gametes or donor), counselling for yourselves and your surrogate and their partner/family, legal costs for yourself and your surrogate, costs associated with embryo transfer, pregnancy costs such as maternity clothes, medications, private health insurance and your surrogate’s income.
It is difficult to provide a range because there are so many variables but often the figures discussed are between $40,000 and $100,000. It is worth being aware that you will pay for things as you go through the process.
There is an extensive list of possible expenses to consider here: Possible Surrogacy Expenses
Tyson from the Australian Surrogacy Community has produced an excellent resource which provides the various stages and an estimate of costs, here: Surrogacy Process